Sean Murphy: A Photographer’s Journey Through Addiction, Recovery, and Redemption

A single moment in a darkroom changed everything. Watching an image rise from the chemicals, Sean Murphy felt something he hadn’t tasted in years: control, purpose, momentum. From there, he rebuilt a life—one meeting at a time, one photo at a time—after addiction, divorce, and a pile of near-misses that could have ended the story early.

We sit with Sean to unpack how recovery became a way of living, not a phase. He shares the sponsor who wouldn’t let him drift, the weekly meetings he now hosts at home, and the quiet rules that keep him grounded: make amends fast, serve first, and let the work speak. We go back to the early days—$300 music gigs, waiting tables, raising three kids in a makeshift studio in a tough LA neighborhood—and talk candidly about risk, resilience, and the unspoken truces that kept his family safe. Through it all, photography served as a diary and a release valve, translating emotion into images and chaos into finished pages.

Sean also gets practical about craft and career. He champions the 10-year rule—your 20s are for learning, not for titles—and explains how mentors, moves, and relentless reps kept him relevant for three decades. We explore disability and access on set, from tinnitus to deaf creatives who lip-read and adapt tools, and why naming your needs isn’t weakness but professionalism. There’s generational healing here too: breaking patterns from a hard childhood, becoming the parent who shows up, and accepting a late “I’m proud of you” without letting the past write the future.

If you’re chasing a creative life, stuck in comparison, or fighting your own demons, this conversation offers a simple compass: do the work, be kind to yourself, replace ego with service, and let struggle sharpen your voice. Subscribe, share with a friend who needs hope, and leave a review so more listeners can find these stories. Your comeback might start here.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Hitting Bottom And Owning Recovery
• 2:05 The Turtle Detour And Permits
• 5:16 Meet Sean Murphy, Photographer
• 6:13 Fatherhood, LA Hustle, And $300 Gigs
• 13:58 The Compound Years And Gang-Neighborhood Truce
• 21:10 Breaking Cycles And Being Present For Kids
• 23:07 Darkroom Lightning Bolt: Finding Photography
• 28:23 Moving Out To Make It: Boston To Career Breaks
• 33:08 Art As Diary And Control
• 36:46 Program, Steps, And The Sponsor Who Showed Up
• 42:37 Building Compassion And A New Community
• 46:21 Self-Love, Competition, And Letting Go
• 51:07 Work Ethic Over Hype And The 10-Year Rule
• 58:39 Generational Healing And Late Apologies
• 1:04:31 Turning Struggle Into Service
• 1:08:31 Disability, Creativity, And Real Access
• 1:13:20 Closing Reflections And Where To Find Sean

Transcript

SPEAKER_04: 0:00

Every bad experience I've had, the overdoses or the car wreck or the divorce, people not hiring me back. I don't even know how I'm gonna get out of this hole that I'm in. I don't know how I can get out of bed. I had lost so many people, I thought they would never come back. And some don't, and most of them do, and it's like, fuck, I do I don't even deserve this life. Do I I probably do? I do deserve it. But now I'm like, I can't even imagine like that life. It's like another universe away from now. People love a comeback story, right? Yes. And it's like there's nothing cooler than like being a total disgrace fuck up and then and then re-emerging as like using that as like to help others. I mean, it's cool. And if I wasn't an alcoholic, I wouldn't have never found this program that to teach me this way of life. And because of the life, my life, the lifestyle I chose to live, you know, drugs and alcohol and partying and photography. I am now get to be a sober photographer that is obsessed with recovery. And getting into photography was an accident. He pushed a button and it like the light came on this piece of paper. He agitated the tray and this fucking image popped up. I was like, what the fuck? I hadn't even taken a picture yet. I was like, this is what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life. Anybody that's getting into any field, whether it's photography or any other field, I think you know, be kind, be nice to yourself, learn your craft. Don't be too hard on yourself when you don't fucking succeed like instantly. Because if you make it, which you probably won't, it's gonna take you 10 fucking years. You're never gonna be in your 20s again. It only happens once. Enjoy that shit. Learn in your 20s, like let it soak it all in, lay low, kind of under the radar, and then you're fucking, you know, and you're like a 30.

SPEAKER_01: 2:05

Hi guys, welcome back to Hin Record. I have a wonderful guest that I've had for the longest time on the list because as you all know, if you're down in Fort Well, you already know who he is. Um he's done a lot of amazing stuff, but he has gone through a lot of challenges in his life to a point where it's almost like a it's like a it's a legend on by itself. And um, we have to give a lot of respect for that because not people like us in our generation nowadays don't get the opportunity, not opportunity, we don't get to experience that as much. Um, and so it's a really great thing to have him here to share a part of that. But most of all, we're gonna talk about a cute little thing called turtles. Because I just found that in the research. I am such a bro, I I am such a nerd about that when I've read it. But we're gonna get into that. I just can't see I've already losing my um control of my excitement. Are you are you gonna be okay, John? Yeah, you're gonna be good. Okay, I'm keeping it. Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 2:58

Actually, I was turt watching we went walking this morning, yeah, and I was telling my wife all the names of the turtles at Ferry Park because yeah, a lot of people will let their turtles go when they have them as pets, and they'll grip big and so they'll just let them go. So there's a lot of varieties of turtles that are there that shouldn't be there. Yeah. So it's pretty cool that I can go down and and see all these cool species that aren't from Wait, is it part of like a program? No, it's just called the program is like I bought a turtle when it was a baby, it got big, and I was like, fuck. And I just threw it in a lake and let it go. You throw it in a lake? Why don't you keep dude? You gotta keep it. I know some people do, and so they're so around here, there's all these lakes with like tons of turtles because people get them as babies and then they let them go.

SPEAKER_01: 3:47

I didn't know you could do that.

SPEAKER_04: 3:48

You can't, they just do it.

SPEAKER_01: 3:50

Wait, I well, if I when I think about the turtles are almost classified like uh exotic animals, you know, there's this thing where specific exotic animals it can technically keep your home. So I didn't know about I'm not as familiar with taking care of the wildlife, especially taking in one. I didn't even know, I don't even know if turtles are classified as exotic animals that cannot be kept for your own some species.

SPEAKER_04: 4:15

Like I have I have a permit to have alligator snapping turtles from by the state uh through an educational program. But they're illegal to have, but I'm allowed to have them because I have a permit.

SPEAKER_01: 4:30

So I don't even know how to process it.

SPEAKER_04: 4:34

It's hard.

SPEAKER_01: 4:35

Oh, I'm gonna do that.

SPEAKER_04: 4:36

I just know people that I went to school with as a child that now work for the state that can get them for me.

SPEAKER_00: 4:43

So whoa, okay. It's who you know, man. It's who you know.

SPEAKER_04: 4:48

That's one of the great things about living in this small town, you know.

SPEAKER_01: 4:51

It's who you know. You know, there's this corny saying it's not about what you know, it's who you know. That is true. If you want to get exotic animals, figure out who you know. Anyways. I know a guy. He knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy. Is it that kind of thing? Okay, all right. Well, this has been a chaotic intro, but I would love to have you just say your name, what you do, and yes, I'm gonna give you the mic, Sean.

SPEAKER_04: 5:16

Thanks, man. Thanks for having me. I'm Sean Murphy, and I am a photographer through and through. I do many things, but that's what I am since I've for 30 years. Yes, and that's what I do. But I love many things. My first love is animals, yes, and specifically reptiles, and uh I would say many things and art and music and fashion and and uh yeah. So I'm I'm I love a lot of things, surfing and outdoors and fishing and all the things, but me as a I think photography it encompasses me as a human. Like if I hope that if people think of me, they think of photography. I mean that's I do it every day. Yeah, I love it, I live it. I'm still obsessed with it as much as I was 30 years ago. Um yeah, that's that's kind of it, you know. Guys, there's a lot, dude. There's a lot of layers, you know, and and and because of the life my life at the lifestyle I chose to live for much of my life, which was you know, drugs and alcohol and partying and photography, I am now get to be a sober photographer that is obsessed with recovery and that that life too. So that's kind of like where it's evolved.

SPEAKER_01: 6:40

But you also forgot one more title, which is you're also a father, the the Did we see a ghost? All right, Casper just made it in that is Yes.

SPEAKER_04: 6:51

Tracy, yay! Tracy's Tracy's giving us hot water.

SPEAKER_01: 6:56

Yes, apparently we're out of water, but that's okay. But I wanted to say that you're forgetting one more title, which is a father, because in so many ways, uh, having that earning it's not it's not a title that most people should take lightly. It is a lot of work, and to have to be someone that has gone through a lot of stuff like that, uh having a father would change a lot of things in your life, especially where you need to where you need to prior reprioritize, and also what you need to fix on yourself in order to provide a much better future for your kids. And that's a title that requires a lot of hard work, and especially thinking beyond the selfish uh needs that you have for had that you have for yourself before you even had kids. So that's a title that I want you to make sure you add on to it because that is something to also be proud of too, regardless of everything that has transpired in your life. I just have to say that.

SPEAKER_04: 7:47

Yeah, being a dad is is one of the coolest things. And you know, one of my sons lives here in Florida with me. Uh two of them live in Los Angeles, and they all have amazing career, you know, they're getting coming into their own. Yeah. One of them is a model, the other one is a DJ that's growing very fast, and he does like underground EDM. Uh, and the other one, Trip, is my mini me. He lives here, he's into fitness and fishing in the outdoor world, and I'm super proud of them. And um, you know, I was talking with somebody yesterday about when I was a young parent, and their mom, Laura, lives on the island, and we're very close, and she's an amazing mom, and she lives just a mile away. Yeah, and we co-parent very well, I think. And but when we were young, you know, we had three kids in like just over a year, unexpectedly, believe it or not, you know, and we were just like 30 years old, and I hadn't yet started making any money, and she was a dental assistant, and I was just beginning my career. Or is I'd been doing it, but I wasn't making any money. I was just, you know, starting. And so, you know, having three kids and being broke in Los Angeles was challenging. And I was telling some mom the other day, you know, I remember my wife going to work, and I had this old car, I think it was a Volkswagen square back. Okay. I bought it for like a hundred dollars. Okay, and I cut the roof off. Whoa, and it was just a just a pile of shit. And you would never drive this car, but I drove it because I had to, and I was in Los Angeles, and I would put the three kids in the I would go to meetings for my to try to get like an album cover or something, and and my agent would go, Oh, you gotta go to Warner Brothers, it's on the west side of Los Angeles, which is like an hour away and traffic. And so my kids would to keep them from I had to take the kids to the meeting. I couldn't go to the meeting, I didn't have any help. So I would put them in the car, and then I would kind of strap them in, and then I had a little water bottle that I would bring that would mist cold water. Yeah, and as I'm driving through LA traffic in the summer heat, it's hot, and they're falling asleep, I would just turn around and spray the mist them with the water bottle and keep them awake. And then when I would go to the conference room for my meeting, I would put them in the corner of the conference room and cover them with like a blanket and they would go to sleep. And then I would be doing my meeting, and then usually during the meeting, one of the kids would kick its legs in the air, and that someone would go, What's that? And I would go, Oh, those are my my three kids. And then I would show them my kids and they would be very surprised. But generally they they're they would give me work because I'm like But I mean that back it was such it I can't even imagine doing that again, you know what I mean? And being a young dad and when and struggling in Los Angeles, I in retrospect, I don't know how we did it, and I don't know how I got my career started. Yeah, because it's you know, it you know, this is a hard business, it is, you know, and like living in Los Angeles as a kid, like 26 when I moved there, and then having three kids of my own and having no steady job, and like the jobs I was doing back then were at best shooting free jobs for alternative press magazine, or maybe the odd Rolling Stone gig, or you know, music fashion magazines, yeah, and they don't pay very well 300 bucks or free, you know, it was kind of the going rate. Um you also waited tables too. I waited tables. That was kind of my main source of income was was waiting tables until I was about 30, or like catering gigs, or um PA ing on a movie set, anything I could get really, but um it was tough, man. And so I, you know, it was kind of a blackout. I don't really remember that whole process. It was just and I think back in the beginning days, I you know, I wasn't like I don't remember the the whole chain of events with like addiction and alcoholism. I don't think it was really crazy at that time. It in the beginning days, it was kind of like on the weekend, you know, uh partying or whatever, and later in life it evolved into this kind of daily thing, which we can maybe talk about later if you want to, but but um it was extremely challenging. And you know, and and my kids have been were put through. I mean, I I was a great dad. I think I'm a great dad. I think my kids were unfortunately put into they've had some rough patches because you know, I uh because of me, because you know, at certain points in time, my addiction, um, you know, my their mom and I getting a divorce when they were young kids at six and seven, that was tough on them, you know, and that was all me, my doing, and you know, I have to, and then then then where I lived when I their mom and I got split up, I lived in this crazy storefront called the compound that was this old cement factory storefront in Canoga Park, which is super sketchy. And you're not supposed to live in there. There were the bathroom, we turned it into like a kitchen with a toilet. The toilet, the kit, one of my kids, like I found a secret room through this wall, and I made like a room, and then two, I made triple bunk beds. It was like a it was like uh the basement in silence of the lambs. It was like a it was like a it was like a dungeon, you know, and we lived there for 10 years. And in a rough neighborhood where you know there's a lot of gang activity, a lot of gang kids. Uh we're the only people in the neighborhood that weren't Hispanic. So, and there's a lot of gang kids, so the my kids had to kind of be cognizant of like when they're out going to the store to get candy or something, they had to put their, you know, put their money in their sock and be chill and don't, you know what I mean? It was like you had the couch on you had a couch on top of the rooftop with you did your homework. Yeah, and and there was a couch. I was like, what we first moved in, um there was a knock at the door. I used to edit late at night with my assistant. We were editing until like three in the morning one night, and then we get this knock at the door, like, fuck is that? And I had put frosted on the glass so you couldn't see it. It was like a storefront. And I hear this, I see this shape outside. I was like, who's that? And I I opened the door, yeah. It's this like older Hispanic dude with like a handlebar mustache, like like typical, like what you would think of like a cholo, like a cholo.

SPEAKER_01: 14:50

Like a my shadow guy at the Danny?

SPEAKER_04: 14:53

He looked like Danny Trejo. Yeah, but it wasn't Danny Treo, but that vibe. That yeah, he's like, hey man, and he had a pizza, and he's like, hey man, the neighborhood wants to know what the fuck you guys are doing here. And I was like, what do you and my assistant was in the in his compute at his computer and he dresses like a cop. He he wears his name's Jeremy Danger, and he and he wears a black, like a black tie and a white shirt and and black glasses, and he just looks like an FBI agent. Yeah, so they thought we were we're cops. Oh my gosh. And he's like, the neighborhood thinks you guys are cops. I was like, no, man, we're photographers and we were just editing. We were probably up partying that night and editing. Oh my gosh. Yeah, anyway, so that was, and then he goes, and then the FedEx guy came the following week and he's like, How much is the neighborhood taxing you to be here? I was like, what the fuck does that mean? You know what I mean? I'm like, what does that mean? Yeah, and he's like, it didn't really elaborate, and I was like, nothing. And he went away, and then I saw the cops outside, and they're like, hey man, just so you know, you this neighborhood is just keep your eyes out. You won't see anybody at night, but they're patrolling the neighborhood on bicycles and on this the roofs because they do, you know, they conduct whatever activities are going on, they have a lot of lookout people, you know, that will you know, if you see a you could sit on the roof and see a cop coming from every it's like area it's like the uh the wire, the show the wire, and there's like hey, 5-0, and then they would be able to do it.

SPEAKER_01: 16:26

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_04: 16:27

So so it was it was very quiet at night, and you'd only see bicycles riding around, or and you couldn't see anybody, but occasionally a car would come in, and anyway, they they had it on lockdown, they're called the the Alabama Street Gang. I you can Google it, it's like a big one. Okay, and there's in my neighborhood, is it like a square block, a square section of apartments and and and mechanics and and different things like that. And so the cops are like, You'll you won't see anybody, but they're on the roof, and so I was like, that's okay, got it. Copy that, and then like some time went by, and we'd be in bed, and I'd hear like foot people on the things on the roof. I was like, what the fuck is that? And in the morning, I would go up, climb on the roof, and I would see like cigarette butts and just shit on the roof. Like I could tell somebody was up there, and I go, ah, it's the gang, it's the kids are up there. Like, look at this is the lookout spot. Yeah, so I went to the flea market and bought a couch like for ten dollars or some shit, the big couch, and I and a couple chairs, and I threw it up on the roof. We carried it on the roof and put it up there. Yeah, and they nobody ever said shit, but they were using it, and you there was an unspoken word, like they knew that I put it up there for them, and and we were cool without saying it, you know what I mean? And then another thing that happened, there was a mechanic down the street that I became friends with, and uh he was up to all kinds of shit. He was from Honduras or somewhere, yeah, and we became friends, he spoke a little bit of English, and I would bring him my cars to fix, and if I would use the neighborhood people to fix my cars or do my tires or whatever needed to be done, we all just kind of you know try to use everybody locally so we could meet them. And and one day it was like five o'clock at night, rush hour in the neighborhood, and there's people driving all around, and so I was like, took an alley in my car to to miss a light, uh street light just to take a back way, and I see this car in front of me from his shop, it's kind of beat up, it looks like one of his c customers or something, yeah, and like maybe he was moving the car, whatever. And on the back of the car, I see this giant white ball in some plastic. Oh no, and I was like, holy shit, that's like uh looked like a kilo of coke or a half a kilo or something, a big amount. Yeah, and I'm honking my heart. The guy looks out the the window, it was one of the guys that worked for him, and he he's like, What the fuck, you know? And he got out of the car and I just went like this, and he looked at it and just was like that, and looked at me and went in his car and took off. Yeah, nobody ever talked about it. So just like ever since then, like my kids are taken care of, people watch my shit, nobody messed with me, everybody was super nice to me. It was known that oh, they're they're cool and they're watching out for the neighborhood. So that was where my kids grew up after the divorce.

SPEAKER_01: 19:35

No, I what I found interesting based on that story is like um you've done so much to keep or protect the peace for your children, but for you as a like as a on your on the other end, as a parent, there wasn't always that sense of uh stability when it comes to peace. And I found it very interesting that you work so hard to provide that for your kids as much as possible, despite interesting characters that have come across into your life. And I think that that one is not a lot of parents would uh ever uh make an effort to do that, especially when they're involved in um the addiction and the drug use and all of that. And I just have to acknowledge that for you the fact that you put in you created the atmosphere of some peace for them.

SPEAKER_04: 20:19

Yeah, I I don't know though, because I I don't in retrospect, I thought I think maybe it was a dangerous place. I I think as a parent, I I I thought it was cool and edgy and like interesting to be there, and it was it definitely fit my lifestyle, yeah, and my kids adapted to it, and they and I think they they liked it to a degree, and then their mom lived in a normal neighborhood, and so they could kind of have a little of each, but if I had to do it again, I don't think I would it was it was a weird time because I went to rehab and I came out of rehab and I had a studio next to this building, and the guys that owned the building that I ended up moving into asked me to if I wanted to rent it. It was just a weird like it just happened. Yes. Their mom, Laura, if I was the mom, I'd probably be like, My kids aren't going to that place. Yes, she loves me, she's cool, and she she felt if I feel like she's the barometer for safety because if it was really out of it was super dangerous, I'd feel like she wouldn't have let them be there. But it was sketchy. I mean if you talk to my kids, I mean there's a podcast with my kids and they talk about it. Okay, you know, their experience in that house. And their parent, their other parents would drop their kids off there, and I and now I think about them like if I drop if I brought my kid to a house like that, I'd be like, mm-mm, my kids aren't staying there. There was always freaks hanging out, bands, porn stars, whoever I was shooting was at the always around the house and the kids and things happening, and people lighting shit on fire, blowing things up, or running dirt bikes down the alley, and all kinds of stuff. It was non-stop. And the kids were just they just adapted, and you know it was a different lifestyle.

SPEAKER_01: 22:21

Yeah, that is but if you when you spoke on the retrospective, because if we had to bring back the now do the turtles, you just had earlier. Hold on, let me bring it up.

SPEAKER_00: 22:31

It'll make sense, Sean.

SPEAKER_01: 22:32

I'm not going crazy here, it'll make sense. You just said earlier, yeah, we get the turtles and we let them grow and then we get the world in the lake. But in in the same way, when you when you just mentioned earlier, when you look back on things in the retrospective, you just mentioned that you would have not you would have changed it differently. And so when you think about the turtles, when they when you take great care of them, what is the one thing that you learn from that process that you wish you had that when you were when you had your parents? You did everything to provide for your kids, but it what is the one thing that you never got that you did for your kids from your parents?

SPEAKER_04: 23:09

Oh yeah, yeah. So yeah, so I think as a parent, most parents I think always want better for their kids than they had as growing up, right? Yes. My I my mom's amazing, she lives in Shalomar, she's an incredible lady. Um, you know, was is a great mom, do and you know, amazing mom. My dad was not a great dad, uh alcoholic, abusive. Later in life, we came, you know, we were better off, but like growing up there was an instability, you know. So you know, when I had when I went into the house, I would have to judge it, judge this scene really quick. Is my dad drinking? Is he not drinking? What does he look like? Is he gonna come at me for something? Do I need to leave? Is everything cool? Like you're as a little kid, you're like having to assess everything all the time. So um, you know, it wasn't amazing and and and I don't think my dad didn't want to be around us, he didn't want to do stuff with the kids. My mom did. My mom was always involved with every single thing we ever did, but my dad he didn't really care to be around us or do activities with us or go on road trips or do anything. So, me as a dad, like my kids, you know, we'd been going on road trips since they were born. Every summer we spend all summer together driving around the country, or we're very involved. No matter what was going on in my life, I think we we always, you know, and even right now, you know, it's every day. It's like calling my kids, you know, supporting their whatever they're gonna be in. I think they would agree with this. If they'll listen to this, I think they would say they wouldn't go, uh fuck you. You don't do that. You know, like if they call and they need some shit, then I help them with some shit. If I need them, they they come and they're there for me. Like when I've been through some tragedies, my kids are they circle the wagons, you know, they come and they they care about me, um, and and I'm always there for them. I I think they feel I'm I'm guessing that they would say, Yeah, my my parents, my mom and dad are always there for us, they love us, and no matter what's going on, they're always there. And I don't I couldn't say that about my so you break the chains, you know? Um, and then as in terms of addiction, not to keep going back to that, but if I wouldn't have stopped like and recovered from my alcohol and drugs, if I would have I could have just been, you know, carried on and then and passed that and who knows what would be going on. That's been you know almost 14 years for me, sobriety, which is a long time. So my kids are 20, you know, in their early 20s, 23, 24. So I've got 14 years, so they're little kids when when I got sober, you know, so they don't really remember. And even before I got sober, I was mostly sober because I was in and out of the program trying to get sober. So I first went into rehab in 2008, and they were really little kids then. So I don't think they remember like a lot of you know, I wasn't drawing.

SPEAKER_01: 26:32

Do you feel like you're grateful for that? The fact that they were that little when you were at that phase.

SPEAKER_04: 26:38

I think so. You know, I think so. I mean it was kind of kind of traumatic, you know. Like, um I was a mess for a hot minute, you know, like made some bad decisions, um, wasn't great to my their mom and was selfish for a minute, and it took, you know, and and luckily, like for whatever reason, I saw that and I felt like I was losing everybody and everything was going away, and I needed to do something to change it. I didn't want to be, you know, um I didn't want my kids to the kids are a big part, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01: 27:20

And you don't want to lose them.

SPEAKER_04: 27:22

No. So um, so now, and the other thing that to parents that I think I believe this, and my dad didn't support my nickname for him when I was there's many. Okay, but one was like marshmallow boy, because he always thought I was like eating like shit and I was gonna be fat. So I started working out and I got into shape, and so I never wanted to be fat. And he would call me Turtle Boy because I always messing with turtles, so that was my thing. But that but um he didn't really support I don't wanted to be a pro server, like that was kind of a goal when I was a little kid, little like teenager, but he didn't support any of it. You know, he thought he was a a lieutenant colonel in the air force, a fire pilot. Military, yeah. So he was like, you gotta fucking go to college, you have to wear it, I don't, you have to wear a suit, you can't dress like that, you have to grow up, you have to, you have to do all these things to be an adult and to be successful. And I and I couldn't do I wasn't great in school, you know. I wasn't I struggled. I very I'm very smart, but I have some learning disabilities that prevented me from from having an easy time in school. Um that mixed with a bad time in the house, home life was a bad combination for me, so I acted out, I think. This is me just analyzing. Yeah. And so getting into kind of jumping around a lot, but getting into photography was an accident. Yeah, that didn't wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't in the cards, and I just got lucky because I took a class because I was in a community shout out to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bob Anchington. And you know, uh so my parents didn't my my dad didn't really support me in in those endeavors, and and um, so I was kind of you know, just thought, oh, I'll just be. I didn't, you know, I I think a lot of p young people can relate to this. It's kind of like I don't know what I'm gonna do. Like I don't know what I'm passionate about. I don't know for me, it's like uh, you know, I love animals. Okay.

SPEAKER_01: 29:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 29:43

There wasn't photography in those early days because you know, back in 1987, I didn't know about photography here in Fort Walton Beach. There was no there was no outlets for that shit. Nobody did it. It wasn't a thing. There's no there's nothing here. Here. You know what I mean? Like that's a thing for people in Los Angeles. I didn't even know that was a thing.

SPEAKER_01: 30:05

So um even harder when you didn't have the access to internet and you just no access, man.

SPEAKER_04: 30:10

Or you don't know any how to do it. You don't have any clue. Yeah. Um, so so I just thought, you know, uh maybe I'll do like hotel management, or I had no idea, man. Honestly, like I had no clue. And and so my brother went to UCF and I moved to Hawaii out of high school with my friend Danny Rhymes, my best friend, and to surf. And then we came back here to Fort Walton for a hot minute. Didn't I was just messing around doing drugs and carrying on and being a dipshit. And then my mom sent my brother to UCF, and they said, and and they said, you can go with them and we'll pay for you guys to live there and give you a car. My mom had an old car she gave me. Yeah. And we'll but you have to go to like community college or something. Do something. Yeah. And so that's when I took one class one semester at um Valencia and near Valencia Community College. And I was trying to take the easiest shit they had. So I was like, I'll take like fucking poetry and creative writing. I like writing too. I was an artist already at sculpting. I love all that shit. Yes. Um, and I took photography. And the the teacher, and that's when I was doing all these different art mediums, uh, and and I was pretty good at painting and sculpture and all the shit, but I but I'm very impatient. So I would get I it just fucking took too long, you know. I mean, I was like, oh fuck this painting and get frustrated. You want to get see the one I just want to be like, you want to go? I got an idea. Yes, like let's fucking do this and like let's so then I'd be like, okay, I'm making a sculpture, and I'd be up for days, like you know, just manic trying to get the shit done, and then I get so frustrated and smash it. Yeah. So I took this class, and and this teacher the first day, he's like had this uh a negative. He just he was giving us like the showing us around the dark room and the just the basics, you know. I mean, well, here's photography, and and here's what you do, you take a fucking picture. And and the dude seemed old as shit, like to me. He's younger than me now, probably he was probably like 52, but in my mind, being 19, he seemed old as shit, you know what I mean? Because when you're 19 at 30 or something, everybody's fucking old. Yeah, and he was kind of crippled and shit, like he's you know, look he's short and like kind of stepped funny and was weird. Yeah, he was uh he worked for Life magazine a lot and was like a war photographer, yeah. And so he spent a lot of time at in the wars and doing kind of that really cool like documentary war shit, and it was pretty badass. But anyway, he took us in the dark room, he had the whole class, and we're sitting in this dark room, and the red lights were on. I was like, Oh, this is fucking and it just clicked. It's pretty sweet. And he had showed us the negative because it's the negative, and you're gonna put it in the enlarger, and then he goes, he pushed a button, and it like the light came on this piece of paper. I'm like, okay, tracking that, and then he took the paper out and he put the paper in the developer tray, and he he agitated the tray, and this fucking image popped up. I was like, What the fuck? That's an instant results, and that's when that and I it hadn't he I hadn't even taken a picture yet, and I was like, This is what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life. That right there is what I'm gonna do. And he and then he and he said, and he and I said, But Mr. Engington, I I like to do all these different things, and and at that time I liked these photographers that were doing this kind of um Annie Liebowitz and some other people that were doing some weird shit with film, mixed media kind of stuff. And he goes, dude, listen, he goes, anything you can dream up, anything in your mind, you can do it on with a piece of film, anything. Yes, and I was like, Well, how do you do and he just taught he showed me some tricks and I was like, Fuck, this is amazing. So I would just start it, like my first picture I ever did was still is like holds up today. I was like, and my kid's mom was my girlfriend at the time then, and she was my muse, like she she was in all of my photos, so I would come home from work that night from from like waiting tables, and I would drive down the street and it would be maybe misty and very fucking ominous, and I got get inspired and I'd go, okay. So I'd grab Spanish moss Spanish moss.

SPEAKER_01: 34:54

It's just given the black assignment that you have to find from your teacher. He gave it a book.

SPEAKER_04: 34:59

We would have some assignments, so I would just bring shit home and create these sets in our bedroom. Yeah, makes forests and put Vaseline around the lens and then and then do these crazy development treatments with on the film, all this shit, and then create these pieces of art. I have the portfolio in there of that class still today. And it's like the it's amazing. And I still look back and I'm like, God, that was it's still fucking I still love those photos. Like if I were to do that today, the same photo, I would be happy with it. Wow, and that was like my first thing. Because I don't know, it's just it's it's cool. So anyway, then he said he said to move. He told me to move, and then but that's the that's hit the rest is history. He's like, dude, you gotta get the fuck out of here. Like I tell you, like I tell you, kids, I keep saying, get the fuck out of here, man. You're too good for this area. I tell that to any young person here. Yeah, I can only I don't know the answers. I don't pretend to know. There's no path, there's no rule book to say do this and do that, and you're gonna be a have a job. Yeah, but I can but I have a history of 30 years and I and I'm kind of a dipshit, but I work really hard and I'm creative, so I did it, and this is what I did, so that worked, but I knew it ain't gonna happen being in Fort Wall and Beach. So he told even Orlando, he's like, You gotta get the fuck out of here, dude. Like, and I wasn't even done with the class. I'm like, like, right now? I was like, well, do you want me to finish this class? He's like, get the fuck out. He goes, go to New York or go to Boston, and then that story's kind of long of how I got to Boston, but I ended up in Boston and at the New England School of Photography, and then and the rest is history, and then this whole cool chain of events happened. Call them luck or destiny or what a higher power, just weird shit happened to bring me to where I my to kind of happen my to make my career happen, you know, and it's just kind of put me in these different cities at the right time with the right people with my girlfriend, who was also like a big part in helping me, a huge part. Like I wouldn't have my career without her because when I was in school, she worked, helped support us as a couple, and support my hot my career, my my choice to do photography. And I she was my model for everything. And I'd come home like, okay, we're gonna paint your whole fucking body white with this shit, and then I'm gonna do this, and I'm gonna, and she would sometimes tears would be coming down her eyes while I'm shooting her, and but she's doing it anyway because she knows it's important for me to do this for my school or whatever, and still so many of the best photos I've ever taken are of Laura, and uh so anyway, she is a huge part of everything. And as a matter of fact, I did my will. I've already told her this, but I asked her if I asked her if it's okay. Oh, I did my will in case I die. So I do crazy shit all the time.

SPEAKER_01: 38:00

Don't do that, please don't.

SPEAKER_04: 38:01

I don't want to die. Okay, but I did a will, and so if I die, Laura, my kid's mom, she gets my she's getting all the negatives of all my life. So she knows what to do with the the shit.

SPEAKER_00: 38:13

Well, okay. Alright, guys, as you can see, this is a hell of an episode. Well, really packed. So when I die, you know, just a freshcoat is helping out.

SPEAKER_01: 38:23

Um, okay, holy shit. I don't even know where to start. There were so many okay, we're gonna start one by one. So the one thing that I noticed is when you saw the negative and you went through all this effort to clean like control all this what the way you want to create the art, it sounds like despite having the lack of control and everything that happened to you, having the ability to create something comes also that comes with a control for yourself as an artist. How did that feel for you to finally have that sense of control, at least some kind of in a way that made you feel happy with uh creating a room, a space in your life where no matter what happened, at least you're proud of something regard re regardless of all the shitty things that have happened.

SPEAKER_04: 39:08

Yeah, it's great. I think I think the photography for me it's such amazing. It it it it's so many. Hi, hello. Doesn't she look pretty?

SPEAKER_00: 39:20

Um yes, that's Jessica.

SPEAKER_04: 39:22

Jessica, world famous violinist. I'll get you on the podcast. But anyway, she should play violin in the background. When I'm when I'm talking about she can play sad music. Woo-doo! Wait, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00: 39:35

Jessica, cute, cue me. Go, go.

SPEAKER_04: 39:37

But anyways, I I so I I think uh the it being an instantaneous, so I could so if I it did a couple things that I didn't know it was doing. One one thing was you could have these ideas, like maybe it's an emotion or feeling, yeah, or something, and I could capture it, create something around that emotion, capture it, run into my bathroom, develop the film. That's how you used to do it. Oh god, I'm listening. Yeah, you turn off the lights and seal it off so you had a dark room to put your film in a canister. So I could develop the film and then make a print within like an hour. So I could I could capture this moment, run in and and create, and then and then have a finished thing, and it's kind of like this release like okay, I had this idea, I created this this whole thing, and then I I have this when I'm done, and I can now I can move on. It's like but it's almost like a fucking diary or something, or like a you know what I mean? So I it does a lot more for me than I think everyone does photography for a different reason. It does it, you know, that's what's so great about photography for me, is that some people they do it as a job, and they're not maybe creative, but it's a great job for them, and they're technical, they're not really thinking beyond that. Some people are do it what because they're artists and they use it for that. Some people, I mean, some there's so many different reasons. For me, it's a it's my it's everything for me. Um when I'm inspired, I have you don't really see me without my camera ever. Because it's just it's like it's amuse. I have to have it, you know.

SPEAKER_01: 41:24

And um it's part of your identity that you can't let go.

SPEAKER_04: 41:28

I met well, my first wife, Laura, my kid's mom. We went to school together. I know her since seventh grade. That's how I met her. Wow. But but my second wife, I met her on a photo shoot and doing her album cover. And then Jessica, I met her on a photo shoot doing her the album cover. So like I can say, and and now my life is the best it's ever been. You have to get through that's I guess that's a cool thing about getting if you have the if you can get old. Like, I'm not that old yet, but I'm you know, I'm old enough to like have have the history to know that like shit's gonna suck sometimes. It's not the end of the world. You know, there's that phrase, this too shall pass. It always gets it always fucking passes. You you have this whole like it's like this, man. And to bring me to now, where I'm like calm, I'm confident in me. I like I love myself. I used to always hate myself and feel uh insignificant and like I was never good enough, but it's not that way anymore. Finally, after 55 years, it's like it took that long, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01: 42:46

When you were when you were in um okay, so you talked about that journey, and what I love about you said it's like a diary to yourself and it's a process, but that can be same to step for 12 steps. That I don't know if that's the right number. Yeah. Um, when you were in that program, was there someone? Still in the program.

SPEAKER_04: 43:02

We have a meeting tonight here in this house.

SPEAKER_01: 43:04

Every Thursday, guys. He's doing a great thing. It's such a great thing that you're doing. And on since we're on that topic, when you were in the program at the time where everything you did not have any some sort of control, the same way you did with photograp uh with photography, especially in developing films. Was there a person that you came across that suddenly made you realize that you can't do that anymore? And also you saw the possibility, just a sliver of possibility if you just kept going. Was there a one person where that was the last day of your program that you told yourself, I'm got I gotta change? That has to be it. Was there a person that you met?

SPEAKER_04: 43:44

There was a there was a a few, um, there was a few people, but there was a a person where it like clicked. Like I have been trying for a long time. Is is being is getting a little bit sober and then relapsing over and over again for a decade, which is what I did. Yeah. Terrible. And it's just like this this feeling of like I'm never gonna get this, and I'm gonna be miserable for the rest of my fucking life. Like this worst thing ever is not is like I can see people happy in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I see them. Some of the people are super happy. I see famous people that talk about it, and they have this great fucking life. I I know it it's it can be done, but it isn't happening for me. I'm fucking miserable. And every time I would relapse, it would just get worse than the time before. I was just creating more damage, killing myself, and uh, you know, it's terrible. And so the short of the long is you know, I went to multiple rehabs, multiple sober living houses, and it was like at a sober living house in Chatsworth with a look like it looked straight criminals, just like like it looked like it's some weird Mexican deserty house with like crackheads, and there was a horse in the backyard, and pit bulls, and it was just dudes with like dickies, and they were just out of prison, and guys with swastikas on their chests, and all the shit like you'd be terrified. And then me, and I lived in the garage. This guy came to me. I was at a let me let me back up. I was in an AA meeting at a sober living house I was in, and there was this Irish guy, and we were in the meeting, and after the meeting, he's like, Hey man, have you done the steps? And I was like, No, I haven't done the steps. And he's like, Do you have a sponsor? I was like, No. And he goes, Okay, well, I'm gonna be your sponsor, and we're gonna go out and start reading the doctor's opinion, which is the beginning of the big book right now. And I was like, Okay, and we went outside and he fucking read this to me, and that was the first time in 10 years that it I heard something that like resonated with me, which was you hundreds of people have recovered, which I never heard that you could actually get better from being. I thought you were always gonna be fucked up and being in recovery instead of and I and I was like, wow, that's interesting. And and and then it said stuff about like if 100% like you have a the the amount of the possibility was almost 100% if you did these steps and you stuck to them and you kept doing them. I was like, Oh fuck, that sounds awesome. And then he said, Why don't you come? He goes, I'm starting a server living house in Chatsworth. There's nobody in it yet. I've just rented this house. You can be the first one of the first guys in the house. Well, you come live there with me, we'll do the steps. It'll take like fucking a month, and then you can be back out doing living your life. And if it doesn't work, then you can just be go back to doing meth and doing whatever you're doing. I was like, that's a fucking that sounds cool. Like, if it doesn't work, then then I'll just be a you know, that'll be it. And I'll I will have tried all the things and I'll just come to grips with I'm gonna be a meth addict.

SPEAKER_01: 47:09

And how did it feel to have someone that would actually step up for you? Because you said earlier your dad was a difficult father. Yeah, he did he tried his best, but the fact he mentioned is that he was never there for you. But then the way you rose, uh the way you are there for your kids, how did that moment where somebody you never knew, but just so happened in the same place that you were at at the time where everything could not be any worse? Yeah, how did how did that make you feel when someone just took an effort to take a chance on your own? It's cool, yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 47:39

It's cool, it's cool, but that you know that's that's AA, right? It's like people, that's how we that's I didn't know that at the time, but it's like that's how I am. That's how we all are. If you're in the I mean, I feel like everyone I know that's an alcoholic, they're the nicest people in the world because yeah, we live this life of like giving back, and we try, you know, you you try, right? It's not a perfect science, but like that's the goal. And so yeah, he gave me, but I also think you know, he was starting this house and he was like kind of looking for people to get in the house, and and he saw he liked me, and he's like, Oh man, come. And I lived in this garage with like all these criminals. Yeah, it was beautiful, man. It was beautiful. All these dudes coming out of prison, they would send them there, he would bring in homeless dudes. It was like fucking the dregs of society, but it was and we had these huge meetings where there'd be like standing room only in these living rooms with all these people you would never hang out with. And my kids would be there too. Oh wow, they were little, they would come and hang out with me in this house. And in retrospect, I was like, probably not the best idea, but they did it, and so they are my kids have been around all these kind of walks of life. Wow. You know, drug addicts and homeless people, and all these people I would bring in, or the sober living houses, famous people sometimes, all the different styles of people, and I think that helped round them out as human beings. And I think I think my kids are super compassionate to towards other people and all types of people. They don't they're not so judgmental, they can hang in any kind of scenario and be comfortable. I think that was the silver lining of the lifestyle that that they had with me. Um, because it was bad, but that's the good thing that came out of it. I think that helped, and then they got to see what I did with my shit and like how fucked up my life was at that time. I think that they took a little bit from that too. Like, fuck man, I'm not messing with meth. Or I don't even think they really drink any of them. They, you know, it'd be it'd be rare if they have a drink or something. Yeah, they smoke weed. So I they they yeah, they they do like the chill stuff, and okay. Um so I you know, I and I was worried about that with them. You know, are they gonna be alcohol? It's genetic sometimes, and you know, it's passed down.

SPEAKER_01: 50:15

So hi guys, Kino here. Just want to take a second to say thank you so much to each and every single one of you that has been with me on this journey for Hidden Record and just sharing all the stories of all of the creatives that have appeared on the show. If you enjoyed deep conversations like this, make sure to hit like and subscribe on YouTube. And if you're listening on a podcast platform like Spotify, make sure you follow that so you won't be out of the loop for every month because I try to drop at least two episodes. So grab your popcorn and soda and let's get back to our conversation. How did you define the def you mentioned earlier that you had a uh out like uh introspective look on yourself where at the time you felt insecure and insignificant? You even mentioned in your reason in the articles where you felt or podcasts that you had everything but you didn't feel happy. And so, with this in mind, and then putting your kids in an environment like that, how did you define or continue to define the definition of love towards yourself, to your towards your kids throughout that entire thing? Because the definition of love is a creative is always evolving, but sometimes if we don't have a great sense of control the same way you did when you developed a film, we often lose what love is supposed to look like. People would start redefining it by getting validation from others when it should not be that way. People would do things out of for the sake of external factors, it should have been inward. So, how did you redefine that for you as you got as you watch your kids grow up and as you look back on things now? How did you redefine that definition for yourself as a father and as a creative and also going forward into the future?

SPEAKER_04: 51:56

That's a good question. A tough question. I think I mean I think you know, the the self-love it's a work in progress, you know. I think it's only within the last couple years that I'm that I've that I can say, Oh, I I love myself, I'm cool. It's only a couple years now where I feel like I can have happiness for other people and not make any, you know. I think it's been a while since I stopped making it all about me without knowing it. It's like, you know, as a creative and and being in a competitive field for so long, yeah, where it's like you're everyone's your competition. I think it's you know, that was always tough for me because it's it's always a battle, right? It's like it's very hard to like be friends with people that are creatives and just be happy for them and help them. And we all, you know what I mean, without having to like feel like they're gonna take something from me or whatever. It's there was a little weirdness. Yeah. Uh so I you know, and I always kind of feel like I wasn't very good. Like no matter what I did, you know, uh in my career, uh, I sometimes I felt like it was good, but but I always felt like I wasn't as good as like that guy or that girl. And yeah, I don't know. It's hard to describe. I think people can relate to that. I I think. Um, I don't think that's uncommon. Uh but now I feel I think I honestly feel now that I'm comfortable. I think the main thing that that I feel now that I didn't feel for 55 years is, and I and I can honestly say this is within the last two years, okay, where I feel like I don't really care what other people think about me. I think I felt that for a while because I'm I'm myself. But I sometimes I'd be myself and then leave a situation or leave a group of people and go, man, I bet they hate me. I probably was too loud or too whatever or too whatever the thing was, and maybe I cuss too much, or maybe they think I'm a loser, or whatever the I just that's what I thought in my head.

SPEAKER_02: 54:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 54:19

Um and now I feel comfortable. Like I am who I am. I'm I know I'm a nice person. I try to be a good dad, I'm not perfect at all. I I constantly have to make amends to people if I do something wrong, or uh, you know, I I'm married again, and I since I met Jessica, the thing that I started in the beginning of this relationship is like this is the first woman that's never seen me drunk or high. So that's one thing. And the second thing is I, you know, having open communication, and there's a bunch of stuff I changed. She will never know what, she will never know those things that I do differently with her, you know? Um, and it's a lot of it's a lot of work, but I feel comfortable and I'm and I'm not I'm not trying to be someone that I'm not. Yes. I don't know. I'm rambling a little bit, but I it's that's a fucking hard question, man. It's like I think we all it's it's tough. Like, do you feel comfortable? Do you feel like what within like with yourself? Are you like cool with like do you feel like you're gonna be like? I mean, do you feel like well it in as a in like my hearing aids never made me feel comfortable up to this point? I it only was yeah, but like you're like in in your in your work, like as a as a as a creative and one of the most talented people that I know. I was talking about you today. We're in a meeting and I was talking about you, um, but you're one of my favorite videographers, and you're super talented. But I remember there was a time, and I've only known you for a short time, three couple of three years, but there was a time where you kind of like said, I'm not gonna do this anymore, right? And I'm gonna do something. Like, I can't, I don't get that shit. It's like I don't have I could not do what I do, and I thought, man, this is crazy. Like that kid's so talented. Like, that's fucking wild. Like, why would he do that? So I don't want to flip the script on you.

SPEAKER_00: 56:30

This is not our guest. This is uh this isn't now this is called an interview where bamboozle he's the pub.

SPEAKER_04: 56:37

Hey, but I mean as it relates to me, because I you're you're creative, and I'm a creative it's it's a rough question, right?

SPEAKER_01: 56:46

It really is. It's like that was a period of life where I the more even even if I explained it, they will never understand the true internal I could expect the reason why it disappeared was like there were a lot of things where it's like man, I didn't even like what I did. It's a comparison to others, but even I still had trouble with hearing loss because that was one of the it not it's not about the appearances, but it was about could I really measure up to the people that I work with? Because everybody on set can hear fine. You can talk to the directors, blah blah blah blah. But with hearing loss, it's like if I don't listen to one thing, it's going to have a ripple effect on the entire production, and that's what I had to live with. And like if I said, I'm so sorry, director, please repeat that five times, they're gonna get really pissed off. And so on top of that, um there were a lot of internal conflicts that I just threw a I threw away what I had apparently because it was so hard to even when you said, Yeah, your work is great, sometimes it was like, did I really believe that at that time? And so, like what you said, it took so much time to finally get to a place where you accept that. And it's not gonna it's not a it's not a question that will be answered at the moment, it's going to be answered when I feel like I've done everything. But at this age, I there are still gonna there are obviously still a lot of internal conflicts that I still need to work out, but I would imagine it will they will require certain events in my life in the future in which will dictate how I will respond to them and how I will take that lesson, whatever that lesson is, away from that and move forward. But I can't answer that question at this moment.

SPEAKER_04: 58:36

Yeah, and I also think it changes, right? Like it's it's kind of like being an alcoholic, right? It's like I can be recovered as long as I'm doing X, Y, and Z. But if I don't do X, Y, and Z, then I become unrecovered. So I can not be doing drugs and alcohol, but I can still be an asshole and still be a drunk, act like a fool and be an asshole and being you know selfish and dishonest and all this bullshit that I used to do when I was doing drugs. But if I do X, Y, and Z, then I don't do those things, and I'm nice and I'm compassionate and I'm honest. So, but if I stop doing those things, I I revert back. So I have to keep doing X, Y, and Z to stay in this state of recovery, which I think is similar to which if I do that, then I'm then I feel good about myself, and then it has a reflection, it it has an effect on my photography business and the way I treat people, and the way I feel about my work, and the way I feel about my clients, and the way I feel about you, and the way I can treat you and other people, and it just kind of makes it all work. So, like where I'm at right now is I don't want to lose that feeling. Like, I love mm. Like I love the honesty that I have with my wife, with my friends. I'm never, you know, with everybody. And I know I love that people can call me if they need something. And I'm I can genuinely be genuinely be happy for you. Um it's not a perfect science. Like like I say, like if I if I go on a fucking like we just went on a road trip for three weeks to drove to Canada and did all this cool shit. But like after a couple weeks, like I started fucking tripping out. Like there was a couple of meltdowns I had that were like I got grumpy and then I was like bitchy and shit was I was kind of like old behavior, you know what I mean? Like I was kind of you know being a little bitchy to my wife and whatever. I was kind of you know, because and I was like fuck, and I was like, oh you know what? I haven't been taking care of myself, like I haven't been focused, I haven't done any time on myself, like been to a meeting, I haven't been of service, I haven't I've been out of my schedule. So it's a it was great. I got to I got to see that and recognize it. I'm super happy to be back tonight. Is my first meeting that we're having here in the house? We have one every week on Thursday night, but I missed the last two weeks. So when I'm gone, I just give the the passcode to my door to one of the guys, and they run they come in the house and run the meeting and lock up and leave. Um so I'm super happy to be back. But the other question was what was it about the kids? You said something.

SPEAKER_01: 1:01:39

Um I I lost question. I was so involved in your story, but uh to self-love. Oh, oh, how did self-love, how did your definition of self-love uh evolve after going through that process, but now with your kids?

SPEAKER_04: 1:01:53

The thing I think about with my kids on a daily basis is I try my best not to have any conversation with them that's that's goes anything like this. You know what I think you should do or you know what you should do? You maybe you should go, you know. I try not to and if they tell me something they're doing or an idea they have, I just try to support it. That's cool, man. Like, do you need any help with that? You know, whatever. Because I don't want them to feel like whatever the thing is they're doing isn't good enough, and I don't support it, even if I think maybe that's a sketchy idea. Because my dad would always tell me, Oh man, that's fucking stupid. You should do this, or why don't you California sucks. You should fucking leave California, you should live in Arizona because he lived in Arizona. If he's there, it must be cool. No, man, like I want to be in California, like that was where I needed to be at the time, and it's the place for my work, and I'm very successful. And before he passed away a couple years ago, he did call me and we had a really nice conversation, and he told me how proud he was of me. It took a long time for him to see me like evolve, fall, keep getting up, keep getting up, keep getting up, keep doing, doing, doing, doing. And then he saw me running for city council for our town. Yeah. And he saw an interview with me, and he was like, The fuck? Like my kid is running for city council, and he's like, did his life like that, and like people were actually like letting him and supporting this, like that's you know, it made him proud. So he was like, I think in his way, which he didn't say I'm sorry, but he just said I'm really he was really he cried and said he's really proud of me. And I can tell that he, if I you have to read between the lines with my dad, you know, that was a big thing for him to even reach out and acknowledge that you know, but he watched the whole thing and was super proud of me. So anyway, I learned a lot from him.

SPEAKER_01: 1:04:08

I said for breaking the generational uh trauma by not doing what your father projected onto you to your kid. That's a big thing. I have to acknowledge that. Continue.

SPEAKER_04: 1:04:19

Yeah, but it wasn't always like that because when they were little, I think I had anger issues. And and so I have there was times when I scream at my kids, yell at them. Maybe wasn't I didn't do things the right way, and I can't live in the past. I think you know, whatever. I I'm not that way anymore. I'm not the same person I was, and um, I I try not to live in the past because that's you know, not a way to be. Uh, you know, and I I try to I try to be present, but it's very hard for me. I'm always kind of future, always in the future. I do know what it's like. Fuck man, what if this doesn't happen, this doesn't happen, and what if that happens, and what if fucking that happens, and are my do my kids hate me because I did that 20 years ago and all the things, you know what I mean? It's like but right now my kids texting me, texting me about um fishing, you know, like hey man, let's go fishing, and like that's special from that's like gnarly, very important. That's like uh the kid wants to go fishing with me.

SPEAKER_01: 1:05:25

That's so cool, you know. When your dad was uh before he passed away, how did it feel for you as a son um to have finally heard to to finally get the chance to hear what you never got, how did that affect you in your work? Because sometimes there are moments in our life when especially moments that have a huge significant impact on what we do. For example, when my grandma passed away, I had a conversation with her and it never it didn't go the last conversation I had with her with her, I regretted it, and ever since then I've tried to listen to more people, and in a way I project what I what I didn't appreciate what I did to my grandma. I tried not to do that for people, and that's through listening, asking questions, because I never did that in that conversation. If that makes sense, was there anything similar to you in how you changed as a person in your work, especially as a husband and as a father, when you had your dad at uh some of the last final moments, and especially he told you, hey, I'm proud of you in that I'm along the lines. How did that impact you?

SPEAKER_04: 1:06:38

Uh it was really good. Okay. Uh uh, it healed a lot of shit, but still it's like you know, it we it it kind of bookended like it was like it bookended things in a kind of a good way. Okay, but then he ended up passing away kind of unexpectedly. Um my ex-wife left uh on a on a Friday, just randomly just walked out, never came, and just left, and then like two days later, my dad died. And uh and I was like, it was a lot, you know what I mean. At that time, in the weirdest, and I don't know, I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but in a weird fucking way, like my dad dying was like this relief like I can't be, he can't say any fucked up shit to me anymore. That's done, you know what I mean? That's kind of mean, but at the same time, he said he called me and said he's proud of me. I love my dad, I'm proud of my dad. He was a great man, and and he's loved by everybody. Another thing about like oftentimes like narcissists and alcoholics and shit, like they're really fucking nice to everybody. Everybody loves them, but they're not nice to like the people that are the closest to them, their kids and their wife, their whatever, you know, their family. They're everybody fucking thinks they're funny and great and all these things, and then they'd come home, they're shit, they dump on the family. And I can I little bits of that I can relate with, you know, to a certain point. So when he passed away, I was like, oh my god, like it almost felt like okay, that's done. Like I am like this shit isn't gonna be in my life anymore, like, which is kind of sad, you know what I mean? Like, I'm and uh you know, so it was sad, but it like it's kind of a bunch of different emotions, you know. Like he can't hurt me anymore or say anything meet mean. Do I want my kids around him? Because he's kind of was kind of mean to them, you know what I mean? Yeah, I don't want to make him to be a monster, but uh he was I love him, but yeah, I don't know, it's very hard to explain that relationship. So those I don't know if that answers your question. Did it did it fucking help me after I talked to him in my career? No, because I he didn't get it, he never would get it, he didn't get what I did, he didn't get care, he didn't get it, he thought it was fruity, he didn't understand that world. You know what I mean? He just didn't.

SPEAKER_01: 1:09:26

What was the hardest truth about yourself that you never faced or refused to face up until the recent times? Especially just like sometimes, oftentimes, what we know about ourselves when we have certain parts of ourselves that we don't want to acknowledge but for the sake of embarrassment or whatever, what was the one thing that you were you refused to face about yourself? Because you mentioned before, you've gone through so many things, especially you've lost so many people over and over and over and over multiple times, and you worked every year, even getting to a point or two accepting that they're never gonna come back, some of them will never come back. And in those times and up to now, what was the truth about yourself that you refuse to face but will uh come to that point at some point in the future? What is the one truth about yourself that you're still working on to accept because you've accepted everything part of who you are, but is there something that you have been keeping?

SPEAKER_04: 1:10:26

I that's a that's a tough question. I don't even know how to answer that. There's probably you know stuff I I feel like I'm such a have been such a mess my whole life. Like you know, uh there's been so many things that I work on constantly. Yes. That uh and because of like because of the program and because of my openness about it, I because I feel like there's also this, there's a lot of people that are that deal with the things that I deal with um that aren't don't aren't vocal about it, right? Like so like I might be an alcoholic and a drug addict, and you might never know because I maybe I never told you about it because I'm gonna keep that to myself and keep it kind of behind the doors, and and but I choose to I think a long time ago I chose to kind of be open about it in the beginning because I felt like it gave me accountability. And if I tell you I'm an alcoholic, then maybe I'll be less likely to drink in front of you because you'll go, wait a minute, motherfucker, you know, you're an alcoholic. So maybe I started doing it because of that, but now I I think I do it because I think it helped because you never know who's gonna hear it. And then I get many messages over the years, still many messages about from people I might know or I don't know, and they're like, hey man, I heard this thing, and uh I'm struggling, and can you help me? Or can you help what do I do? Can I come to your meeting, or can you talk to this person or my son or my daughter, whatever the thing is, and that's like makes me feel good, you know. So when that started happening for me, you know it's what's really cool is like I uh I don't feel like I'm an expert at anything, like really, like I know I'm an expert at photography. I think I am, but I still don't know everything, and I call kids uh Nathan Sigzinski. I'm asking this motherfucker how to set do this my camera because I'm like, dude, how do I he know more about this shit than I do? You 24, you know, it's like so. I I still I'm I'm an expert at many things in photography, I think. I just had a lot of experience, so I've done a lot of things. I think I'm pretty good at it at this point. Yes, you watch it at composition and Mervyphoto.com.

SPEAKER_00: 1:12:57

Okay, but anyway, it's really good.

SPEAKER_04: 1:13:00

But but I can tell someone how to, you know, if they ask me about photography, I can help them with that, or bid the business of photography or different aspects, and I think I'm pretty good at how do I get sober? If you really wanted to get sober, like I I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I did, and if you do what I did, your chances are pretty good. And if you want, I'll take you wherever you want to go. I'll come pick your ass up right now. I'll drop fucking everything. If someone called me right now and said, Motherfucker, I'm about to use, uh I'd be like, Kino, peace out, gotta go. So I think it's my primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics. If I don't do that, nothing else matters. I'm not a good husband, I can't take a picture because I'm nobody's gonna hire me. No am I gonna have any friends because no one's gonna want to hang out with me. I'm gonna fucking lose everything I've worked for in a short amount of time. That's the truth. And my life will be shit. So I have to do that first.

SPEAKER_01: 1:14:04

You know, every time I come here, dude, every freaking time I come here, it's such a after hearing everything, oh but this dude you every time I come here, Sean, like it's such a like at the end of the day, regardless of when you if I had not known about the story that you went through, I thought I would have thought, yeah, this guy got everything, but I want to be that. And actually, now that I think about this, how do you what's your reaction to when people, especially younger kids, they ask, they tell you, hey Sean, I want to be like you, not knowing the entire life that you had to live through, how does that make you feel when this is the first thing they see? You got all this, this, and this. I want to have this, I want to have this, I want to be like you.

SPEAKER_00: 1:14:49

But how do you how do you spot Okay?

SPEAKER_01: 1:14:51

I know, but I'm just saying, how do you feel how do you feel about that when they ask you that question? And when you know that the life that you live through is so different to what they are going to live through. How does that make feeling about it?

SPEAKER_04: 1:15:03

Well, it's a different time too, right? Like I think there's some things that won't change, right? Like work ethic, integrity, uh, creativeness, all those things, the X factor, personality, all the things you need to be successful. Yeah, the difference is the time, like, right? Because when I came up, it was the 90s, and it was all analog, no computers in the early 90s, no phones, no technology. So you know, everything was very tactile and and you had you know, slow. Yeah. Um, so it was it was it was harder and easier in a certain respect. Now, but you dude, like I don't so I look at kids. If if a 22-year-old comes to me and is like, I want this shit, yeah, and I want to do what you do, in my mind, I'm like, God damn, this is gonna be fucking hard. I mean, not to be as good as me, because they can certainly do that, but like to get to a level where you're working and you've done it for 30 years and you're still getting hired and you're making a living at it. Because I was told when I was 35, this I work, I shoot for Getty Images for 20 years, and the head lady at Getty Images, Charlie Holland. Hi, Charlie, if you listen to this, which you probably won't. Charlie, she's the she's the fucking guru from England. And she's she she's and I was all stressed out. I said, Man, I feel like I'm just I'm not I'm gonna not be relevant anymore soon at 35. And she's like, No, no, no, no. You got you got fucking 10 years, man. Ten years, complete 10 years. Like as a photographer, like the statistic was that she told me, like, in your zone, like working and making money and doing very well 10 years, then you phase out because a new generation will come in and you become irrelevant because you age out or you you stylistic, whatever. You just you have your moment, people hire you, and then you become not as popular anymore. That's a different time. But now it's like I'm 56. Yeah, and I've been doing it since I was 20. I mean, I graduated school when I was 23, photography school. So a long time. That's how many years is that? 30 years plus?

SPEAKER_01: 1:17:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 1:17:34

It's a long fucking time. So I'm like, god damn, I'm still doing it at a high level. I'm very busy still. So I I and I'm like, what do I do that what why why me? Why am I lucky enough to be working this long and still relevant? Uh I don't know. I I work I'm just because I work fucking hard. And I always say that too. I was like, you I will always beat you because you can't fucking outwork me. Motherfuckers are too distracted. You know, the kids that it's unfortunate. I think uh I always hate people when people say, back in my day. Like, it ain't back in your day, motherfucker. It's nice, it's 2025 now, and shit is way different. Yes. But the thing that's never gonna change is like work ethic and just fucking, you know, that that that like I see it in a few people. You know what I mean? Like, I was very impressed that you did your you listened to all you did your homework. You did all the shit. Not a lot of people are gonna do that all that amount of effort to do something. I if it were me, I I would fucking a lot of times I'm really busy and I work really fucking hard, but as far as like homework goes, like I would oftentimes I'm shooting a band, yeah, and that it might they might be really famous, but I don't fucking know who they are because it's a different genre than I'm used to listening to. But I'm on my way to the shoot. Fuck. Who is the fuck is this? What is this? And I'm not gonna say any names of bands, but like I'll go, god damn. I'll pull over and just Google them. You know what I mean? Oh the information right there. Okay, Wikipedia, got it, got it. Spotify, listen to the top two songs, got it. Now I know I'm gonna now I know the vibe. Now I know how I'm gonna shoot them. But before I listened to two songs and we watched it at Wikipedia, I had no idea what was happening on this photo shoot. But on my way, I'm like, okay, got it.

SPEAKER_01: 1:19:31

You know, I could never operate like that. I need to know every freaking thing. And you said one of the entire one of the values, one of the other values that I remember you had as you had an experience when I think you were in, I think London, I don't know. Some somebody put you on the side when you were when you felt like a hot shit and you felt like you're egotistical. Yeah, I that story touched me because I remember 18, 19, especially when I released a music media with Skylar. I felt like a hot shit. But then last week, there was like a lot of humble like how many years ago is that?

SPEAKER_04: 1:20:05

I I think five, five, three, four, probably five years. Yeah, because I was in California, yeah. No, it was longer than that because I've been here fucking five years, and I remember her mom Facebook messaged me in California to find us some kind of van, a car for your shoot. Yes, and that was like seven, that was fucking seven, eight years ago, bro. Yeah, oh long time. That was that was at least seven years ago. Yeah, seven years at least.

SPEAKER_01: 1:20:36

Okay, okay, so you get to this thing, thing when you went through that, they told you they literally said, dude, you this attitude's gotta stop.

SPEAKER_04: 1:20:54

Probably, because I was the valvict. Everyone thought I was the shit at the school. Who gives a fuck? So I'm saying he comes up to me, he goes, Dave Shirvish. And he's probably he's still my friend today. He's one of the guys at my school. And he's like, Motherfucker, just like that. He goes, I don't give a fuck. He goes, No matter how fucking cool you think you are, how good you are now, he goes, if you make it, which you probably will not make it, because the statistic is very bad for us as photographers, like working like there ain't that many people. I think people in the zone doing all the jobs, there's like a handful. Yeah, and millions of photographers, there's like just a handful that are doing all the advertising jobs, doing the music jobs. You can you know them all because there's probably like 20 or 30. So he goes, if you make it, which you probably won't, it's gonna take you 10 fucking years from now just to make all the mistakes. Because even if you're really great, you still gotta like learn how to do a job and production and making mistakes and how to deal with clients and all the things, so many things. And I was like, Ah, fuck you. I got I'm already just shooting fucking bands. How hard is it? You know what I mean? Yeah, and uh he motherfucker was goddamn, it was eight years. Wait, I was 30 before I got my first paycheck. 31. Oh, so 31 for 35. Oh wow. I mean, I was shooting, yeah, but I wasn't making any money. I was poor shit, and I was making no money waiting tables in addition to pay for my bills.

SPEAKER_01: 1:22:34

See, you went through so much, you did you did a lot of the hustle, but like how does that feel when you said earlier when when um you have 20 year one uh 20-year-olds asking you, how can I be like you? The biggest thing that I really don't like in this generation is the fact that there's a lot of egocentric, egocentric personalities in that they think that's gonna get them everything that they want.

SPEAKER_04: 1:22:58

Yeah, I think there's a whole wave of people that are 20 some early 20s, and they just I look at their they've been doing it for a year and it says director. Yeah. I'm gonna piss a lot of people off right now, probably, right? It's okay, guys. I'm sorry. I don't I'm not it's not because I'm old either. Yes, like I it's a fact. Like if you're 22, you're not a fucking director.

SPEAKER_01: 1:23:22

It's a title that needs to be earned. That's how I see it.

SPEAKER_04: 1:23:24

Yeah, yeah, you ain't a fucking, you're not, you're not what are you where'd you learn how to direct? Like, yeah, the fuck is going on? And you I think it's just too easy, it's too accessible, so people can people can get into the the field really easily. And there are a lot of talented 22-year-olds, don't get me wrong, a lot of talent. I used to be up against a girl back in the day when I was like 30, yeah, five. Her name was Olivia B. I bet she's still working, I'm sure. She's amazing. But she was 16 and beating me out for advertising jobs. Yeah. She was had this, she was in high school. Oh, wow. Yeah, and back then that was really unheard of. And she was just had this really cool style. And and I remember I'm gonna throw John Harrington under the bus a little bit. Sorry, John Harrington. I'm gonna see him, I'm gonna see him next week. Yeah, John's my he is my we call him my fourth son. Yes, yes. I love John Harrington.

SPEAKER_01: 1:24:19

So if you hear me pop, that's because it's John.

SPEAKER_04: 1:24:22

John is my kid. He's like my and I'm really hard on John. Yes, because uh I love him, first of all. Uh I think he has he's earned everything he's got. He works really hard. And but but and he and he and I was speaking at Choctaw, I think, man, it was he was 18. So he's 26 now, so eight years ago. I met him at Choctaw. I went and did a speech at Choctaw, and he's like attached on to me like a like a kit, like a stray cat. Yeah, you know, yeah, and he's like, but he's fucking smart. Because no, I was like, why don't these kids like, none of these kids want to like learn some shit? Like, if I saw a photographer from Los Angeles move into my town and I was interested, I'd be like, fucking dude, I wouldn't leave his side. I'd be like, what am I? I'm fucking working with you, bro, for free, whatever you want. Yeah, and you're gonna teach me your ways, and I'm gonna be fucking, you know what I mean? I'm gonna go get this shit going. Nobody does that. And um, John did it. Like sometimes they'll do it, they'll last like a couple days and they'll fuck off because they're like, oh, this isn't just I thought we were just gonna be shooting hot chicks and fancy people. Is a lot of it's bullshit work. But John he stuck around and and he and I gave him the speech because he was like 19. He's like, I'm gonna be the youngest fucking advertising photographer that there is. I was like, oh, here we go. Here's the fucking speech, bro. I'm so sorry it just happened to jump, and I've enjoyed a better bitch. And first of all, I was like, well, that's already too late because I'm thinking about Olivia and a million other kids that are younger that are already crushing it. I was like, dude, like it's gonna take you the 10-year thing. I gave him the lecture. And now he's 26. He's doing very well. Yes, but it but it's not like he's not at the end of the zone yet. There's still a lot of work to be done, so it's gonna be like 10 years, you know what I mean? It's like we're that's a great number. I think that that's a and he appreciates that, and he's matured a lot now from when and like you've matured a lot when I first met you. You like no like you're wild, dude. Like I was like, fuck this guy is fucking shot out, you know what I mean? Like you, if I put you and John in a fucking potatoes, I mean you guys put I can put you in a sack together and just throw you in the back. I mean, you guys are like a couple of fucking rabid mongooses running around like I you know, I couldn't be around you guys for more than a minute. It's like get shut the fuck, get out, you know. It was wild, but now you're like uh you know, mature man. And John is like like an adult now, too. So I think if that says anything to like anybody that's getting into any field, whether it's photography or any other field, I think you know, be kind, be nice to yourself, give yourself time, learn your craft. Don't be too hard on yourself when you don't fucking succeed like instantly, because it takes time. And like, and I as I sell John, I was like, dude, I'm in my 50s now. Like the guy, the people that are gonna hire you to like they're gonna give you big money jobs, they're older people, generally. I'm generalizing. Yeah, they're probably in their 40s at least, like in it that are running a company that have money to spend. Yeah, even if you're the fucking rattest dude on the planet, like you're still 23, 24, 25. Like, am I gonna hire a 24-year-old and give them a giant job with a lot of money? It's gonna be a tough sell. Yeah. So just be chill. Like use this the 20s, like, yeah, you might get some big jobs and you might do really well, but but also just like take that time. You're never gonna be in your 20s again. It only happens once. Enjoy that shit. Learn in your 20s, like let it soak it all in. Learn from get some mentors, like learn from people, lay low, kind of under the radar, and then you fucking, you know, and you're like a 30, hmm, like a lightning in the bottle.

SPEAKER_01: 1:28:27

I have to say, I recently talked to John, dude. He showed me something that's work, and I have never seen him. Because I remember he was like um having a bit of struggle when he moved to ATL, but then just recently he said he started sending me these photos. I feel like I got my lightning in the bottle. I was like, Yeah, I think Sean's ready. I think you're still up there in the zone.

SPEAKER_04: 1:28:48

Did you listen to the podcast I did on John?

SPEAKER_00: 1:28:50

Huh?

SPEAKER_04: 1:28:50

Did we just listen to the podcast?

SPEAKER_00: 1:28:51

Okay, here I'll tell you, I'll tell you this. I made a deal with John when I started this.

SPEAKER_01: 1:28:56

I told him, All right, John, if I can get Sean, can I get you one? He's like, Can you get what? If I can get you one, then he will he'll do it. He'll be on his on the podcast himself.

SPEAKER_04: 1:29:09

I would love to hear, I would be really fascinated to hear John because I think he's old enough now to like he's had some history, and he can. I I hope I'd love to hear his perspective on like his timeline and like how things are going, how he feels, and how you I you you guys are probably the same, like you're the same age, right? 26. Yes, I think we are 26 from 18 to 26. Yeah, fucking crazy big difference, right? Like, I look at you now, it's completely different. You got a beautiful girlfriend, you're mature, all the things, and it's great.

SPEAKER_01: 1:29:46

But Sean, the thing is, I wish what I knew now, I wish I knew at back then.

SPEAKER_04: 1:29:51

Me too, man. Me too. But you can't, you know, it's like I think the hardest thing to do is like live in solution, like now, present. And solution, like we can't live it, we can't change fucking anything in the past, and we don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow. So, you know what I mean? You can learn from that shit in the past and go, I remember when I did that, and I'm not gonna do that again. Even now, as being doing it for over 30 years, I'll make a mistake all the time in photography, all the time. I'm like, fuck. I thought I had fucking done every single thing you can do bad and in my craft, and I'm like, I'll never do that again. I'll never do that again, I'll never do that again. It never stops. Always something you can fuck up.

SPEAKER_01: 1:30:38

Yeah, I would. If I had a time machine that I'm gonna take the lesson from Kung Fu Panda, Master Ogwais at the Po. Something about the past and the future, but today is called depressing, and that is why they call it a gift. Learn from Pixar, I think. That was no DreamWorks. Sean, we will have you back on the other episode, but seriously, no, I actually okay. When you just said I'm gonna reaffirm you right now. Shut the fuck up, alright? The whole purpose of this episode was to make it different and to have a deeper introspective of who you are.

SPEAKER_04: 1:31:09

Everyone knows the career so yeah, so hopefully we did that.

SPEAKER_01: 1:31:13

Because I don't want you to recall. Oh, don't give enough fucking side eye. I don't want you to get to a point where, at least for me, I don't want you to start recalling to stuff. I want you to be able to remember um at least keep that part of yourself. Okay, so you did fucking great. Dream Some Fresco to make you think that you did great, alright? You did. And every every story that you share, that is the side of Sean that I've never heard in most podcasts. That is something that most people will learn from. Okay, we can all learn about, oh yeah, Sean, what did you do to make yourself so successful? This and this and this and that. That's gonna you're there's gonna be so many other photographers out there that are gonna say the exact same thing, but there will never be another photographer, Sean Murphy, with the exact experience that you've had to teach them a form, a different type of perspective. That's not gonna happen in a very long time. That's why I appreciate this conversation and the stories you told. Okay?

SPEAKER_04: 1:32:12

I'm gonna put you in my will. What? I'm gonna put you in my will. Please don't give me more. I'm gonna give you I'm gonna give you that aquarium.

SPEAKER_01: 1:32:19

The what?

SPEAKER_04: 1:32:25

And that sign right there. What is it? Oh, okay. No, the door. Can you know you want you want the door and the sign? Yeah, you can have that.

SPEAKER_01: 1:32:36

But um, actually, two questions before we go. What are some of the things for creatives struggling with uh oh my gosh, for creatives struggling with addiction, ego, or fear or disability, how would you help them uh see those struggles as a source of strength rather than a barrier?

SPEAKER_04: 1:33:00

How do you see it as a strength?

SPEAKER_01: 1:33:01

For creatives struggling with challenges like addiction, fear, or disability, how would you help them see those see those struggles as a source of strength rather than a barrier? For example, I always saw my hearing aids and my hearing loss as a barrier to achieving what I wanted in my career, but because of that, I helped myself back because thinking that I'm broken and thinking that I'm more of a liability, that's what helped me back. But then it wasn't until I embraced it that I was able to express ever express everything as as I am in the work that I do. So, how would you say for those that have lived through similar experiences but also different experiences as well?

SPEAKER_04: 1:33:40

Yeah, I think it's the same sort of thing, except you know, I think if you're lucky enough to have it being I I love that I'm an alcoholic. I wouldn't I if I could change not being an alcoholic, I wouldn't want it. I want to be an alcoholic. Because if I because I'm in this cool club that that keeps me like that teaches me how to like be a this really good person, and I have all these secret things, like I feel like I'm in a secret club where I have solute tools for the solutions to life.

SPEAKER_00: 1:34:14

Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 1:34:14

And if I wasn't an alcoholic, I wouldn't have never found this program that that teached me this way of life, and I would just be living who knows how it would be. So I think you know, like you said, like embracing it. If you can find the silver lining, find your way to uh recovery and and figure out you know how to overcome your fears and all the things, and use that uh to you know help others and further your career and treat people and do all the things. It's uh it kind of all just goes hand in hand, right? So I think in the in the moment, it's very hard to see any way out or any change ever happening, and that's a dark place to be. I remember you know, I've never really been suicidal, but I but I did there was a moment where I was like, I know how someone would want to kill themselves. Yeah, like I could never do it, but like I was in a place where it's like fuck, I I know that I know what that shit feels like. I don't even know how I'm gonna get out of this hole that I'm in. I don't know how I can get out of bed after a you know what I mean? Like it's that fucking bad. But now I'm like, I can't even imagine like that life. It's like another universe away from now, you know? Yeah, so I think that there's always hope no matter what uh is going on.

SPEAKER_01: 1:35:40

I think there's always um answers and solutions, and even the meanings to why we went through the things that we went through.

SPEAKER_04: 1:35:48

Yeah, that shit. I mean, it's a stupid thing to say, but it's like what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I mean, that shit's true, right? It's like every bad experience I've had, the overdoses or the car wreck or the divorce or the people not hiring me back or whatever the thing is I did. It's terrible things along the path. Like, I mean they're fucking bad. But um fuck Robert Dying Jr. goes and lays in a kid's bed wasted and fucking, you know, yeah, he went to jail. I mean, people love a comeback story, right? Yes, and it's like there's nothing cooler than like being a total disgrace fuck up and then and then re-emerging as like using that as like to help others. I mean, it's cool, it's kind of a scam, but it it's cool. And like I think, you know, in the beginning I had lost so many people, I thought they would never come back. And most people, even my kid's mom, like we're friends and really good friends. We chat, we were texting today. She was sending me pictures when my kids were small, anyway. Okay, they come back, and some don't, and most of them do, and it's like, fuck, I do I don't even deserve this life. Do I I probably do? I do deserve it, but like I'm too happy, like it's crazy. Like, I got this wonderful woman and this beautiful house and cool friends, and I'm accepted back in this town with a great community. What the fuck more do you want? You know what I mean? Yeah. If I want more, I find myself always wanting more, I'm like, calm down, bro. You gotta laugh, Kino!

SPEAKER_01: 1:37:24

Oh I think I lost two decibels of my earrings. I'm gonna go get my job doctor checked out again. The last one is Did you ever um come across people with your laws and disabilities? Yeah, and how have they changed your outlook on creatives that are because this is why I started in this first place. I have never met anyone, as far as I've known, um, to be in the in the seat of a director that would tell everyone I've I've seen actors like the Eternals from Marvel, but I've never seen anyone behind the camera with a disability that can actually hold them back, but they've used it as a comeback story, like you said. So, how have you met one? How has that changed your outlook on people that have a lot of conditions that held them back?

SPEAKER_04: 1:38:14

Well, there's one photographer that I know named John that's from Milton, amazing photographer. Okay, and I met him, he was 16. I was floating down uh Blackwater River one day, okay, and I had an underwater camera, and there was these kids jumping off this cliff, the sand cliff. Yeah, and I just like took their picture and they were like, Oh man, can we have the pictures? And I said, Yeah, just reach me on Facebook. This is a long time ago, yeah, before Instagram, I think. And I sent the pictures to them, and the kid reached out to me and he started kind of hanging out. Okay. And he's probably 30 now. Oh wow, this is a long time ago. Okay. Um, he's deaf. Like he's like fully pretty close, real close. He can like he he has to be looking at you and be close, or he if his head's born or like const bad. I think it's born like that, and it's getting worse. But he is a like great kid, an amazing photographer. But it was getting worse and worse, and like it's really hard to even you couldn't talk on the phone with him. He had to have like a special thing, and then I mean, even me, I we talked about like I have tinnitus, which isn't probably it's not even close to like what you have, but like right now, all I hear is ringing. You know, so like I have to I have hearing aids I just don't wear them because it it's hard with my glasses, and it's just hard because it does this knock out. They go in and it goes behind. Yeah, and I had them I've had them for years, but I don't wear them, and I I really have to focus on um being looking at people. Okay. Uh and make sure I'm if someone's over here and they're talking to me, I have to say, what it what you know, certain voices I can't hear. John, sorry, John Harrington. They have an octave that is hard for me to hear, a higher oh you the higher sounds. It's a little higher because it blends with that sound of the ringing. Okay. It's kind of close to that, okay. And I really can't hear it very well, so I have to really focus. Yeah, you know. But that was that's recent of like for me, like uh maybe like five years ago, six years ago, something like that. I don't know. But um it's tough, man. But I don't think it should ever hold you back. I mean, in in LA, there's people with all kinds of disabilities, and you just work around it, and people are pretty sensitive to it. And and I think uh like if you were to be on a set and a director wanted to work with you, they would know that in advance and they would make arrangements for you to be able to fucking hear him. And they would give you headphones or some shit where you could hear. So it's not really an excuse.

SPEAKER_01: 1:41:03

You know, they don't have to the thing is I have not seen a conversation where it allows them to have the opportunity to advocate for themselves. It's uh it's an I was so embarrassed of this, and I didn't even want anyone to know that I have hearing loss. And I know there are so many other people that are scared to advocate for themselves, especially when it comes to people that they look up to.

SPEAKER_04: 1:41:24

Yeah, but how cool is it that you you know, like if we didn't know that you had it and you kind of were able to m mask it somehow and we didn't know, and you could still kind of figure out what people were saying, and you kind of just figured it out how to like kind of weasel around without people knowing you were deaf. Yeah, like who are you gonna help? Like, it's cool. Like, if I'm like a young person and I'm struggling with hearing loss and it's somehow holding me back, and I see you doing all this cool shit, I'm like, fuck that guy does it. Why can't I do it? I see people that are super have huge disabilities, whether it be missing limbs or blindness. I know people that can hardly see that are amazing photographers. They figure it out somehow. They get like some shit and they figure it out, you know. Um, people lose their hands and they still figure out how to do shit. You know, it's like people surf pro surfers with the one arm. Like, what the fuck do you do that? Like it's like it it just tells you like there's no excuse for anything. Like you can use this all the shit as an excuse, addiction or hearing loss or a missing arm or blindness, whatever the fuck it is, but it's just an excuse. I think it also probably gives you superpowers because yes, it does. It you know what I mean? Because it's like your senses are just like like it's goes out different like Daredevil. Yeah, because now you're like I don't need the fucking hearing anymore because I can feel sound, I can see the colors, I can feel the colors. I can see, yeah, dude. You know what I mean? Yeah, so um I think you're doing it right. I'm proud of you. You know, I think uh you're giving back and it's people will look up to you. And I always always told this too like you don't know who like I'm always like who the fuck would look up to me? Like, who would want you don't know who when you're out in public or when you're on doing this or doing a video shoot or whatever you're doing, you don't ever know who you're gonna affect and in and in what way. So someone may look up to you like, oh, he's he's Asian. I'm Asian, like I can do you know what I mean? Like people, it gets like that. You know what I mean? Like, why they don't like Asian people in this field. People, that shit's real, like, or African American people. I know a lot of of that like happens, and you see so many amazing African-American people doing great things, and it's like opens the doors for all these other kids who are like little kids that go, I could never do that because it's all white people, and they see these great role models, or you know, but for you right now, as that as it you know sits, I think that people, yeah, being deaf as a little kid could be like a hindrance, and people could go, I can't fucking do that, but they can.

SPEAKER_01: 1:44:21

I want them to feel that it's possible. That's why I keep telling you when we were I want to have the I wanted to have the kids where they can do uh they can direct a set. I just talk sign language. I don't have to be around for that, but I want to make that a possibility for them.

SPEAKER_04: 1:44:37

Is there a school here or something?

SPEAKER_01: 1:44:39

Is there a thing here? For one uh I was told that recently, and I I plan on reaching out to them soon. That'd be so cool. I know, right? That'd be so cool. But you cannot, dude, they're not gonna hear you yell at them. Perfect. What the fuck are you doing? And you're gonna see them. I'm gonna learn sign language, but you can't yell, you cannot yell at them anymore, Sean.

unknown: 1:45:02

Don't do that.

SPEAKER_01: 1:45:03

Well, they're gonna tell you.

SPEAKER_00: 1:45:04

I don't know what it is to tell you to get the fuck off my set, but I gotta do that.

SPEAKER_01: 1:45:08

I would love that.

SPEAKER_00: 1:45:08

That'd be so cool.

SPEAKER_01: 1:45:09

You know what, right? That vision is freaking cool. But the first thing that needs to happen is to have the conversation rolling and to remove the stigma that we are not broken. It's gotta give us a chance.

SPEAKER_04: 1:45:20

How I wonder how how would you if you're like completely deaf and you can't hear anything, uh how would you do like a video where there's sound? I actually never found a solution for that at all. Maybe maybe you can give them to me and they can be I can mentor them as photographers. Because you don't because it's a picture doesn't need the sound.

SPEAKER_00: 1:45:50

Okay, all right, you have a good point. But you're doing you're I thought you were asking video, you need sound, but then or maybe they're I mean, there's I don't know.

SPEAKER_04: 1:46:00

Maybe they're shooting videos that don't have talking. But I but I also dude, I was on a I did I tell you I was on a shoot uh in the Keys recently where they had hired, they had brought in all these writers from around the country. One of the girls was this Scottish lady, and I don't she was from, I don't remember where she was from. Okay, but I remember them telling me one of the ladies is deaf. I was like, who the fuck is it? Like I I couldn't figure it out. Like I was trying to be like respectful and make sure I was talking to people and they could understand me. I'm used to being around you, so I'm like, as long as I can like I know that if people can hear a little bit, like you just make sure they can see my read lips and yeah. Sometimes I'm talking to these people all the fucking day, and I'm like talking to this one lady like all fucking day long. I'm like, like about all kinds of shit. It was her. Yeah. And she was like, and she didn't didn't couldn't hear with her voice that she had a speech and didn't have a speech impact. She talked very, very clear. And she's she's like, just make she said, Oh, can you just look here? Because I read lips. I'm like, what the fuck? Like, it was crazy. But she was really good at reading lips, and I was really impressed, man. I was like, that is so cool. I'm not gonna bitch about my tinnitus anymore.

SPEAKER_01: 1:47:23

But thank you for sharing that story. See guys, it's possible. All right. Um, unfortunately, we're running out of time. We actually ran out of time. We have to do an A meeting.

SPEAKER_04: 1:47:32

If we don't finish soon, Keno's gonna be stuck in an A meeting, learning a little bit more than he needs to tonight.

unknown: 1:47:37

It's okay.

SPEAKER_01: 1:47:37

It's okay. There's there's lessons to be learned, so maybe I'll learn something tonight. Um, thank you so much for watching, Sean. Any last words? And where can people find you, by the way? Where's your what's your social? In your website, and where can people find you? You can look at the audience and intimidate them right now. Yes.

SPEAKER_04: 1:47:55

Um, my name's Sean Murphy. Yes. And I'm on social media. You just Google my name. All right, Sean, just drop it, bro. Murphy Photo. There we go. In your website. Sean Murphyphoto.com.

SPEAKER_01: 1:48:07

Yes, and where can people find you if they want to work with you?

SPEAKER_04: 1:48:09

101 Chicago Avenue, Southeast Fort Walton Beach. Come on over. Call me anytime.

SPEAKER_00: 1:48:16

Thank you so much for your information, man. Drop your social security number. 4537. Don't do that. Don't fucking do that. Stop. Don't do that.

SPEAKER_01: 1:48:29

Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed the episode. I hope it teaches you about a lot of the things that know that even though your upbringing may have had a rough one, it doesn't mean your chapter is already written. You have the power to pick up the pen to write the rest of your chapter and determine the ending that you want for everyone to know that you lived a good life. That's the power that you can do right now, even with conditions. That's it for Henry Court. Thank you guys, and we'll see you all in the next one. And that's a cut. And that's a wrap for today's episode on Henry Corn. Thank you so much for sticking with us. And I do hope that today's episode was insightful and also it gave you some kind of fresh perspective in your creative journey. If you're listening on Spotify or any other podcast platform, a quick review is definitely gonna help. It helps other people find us. And for those that are watching on YouTube, make sure you drop a comment down below or a question because I would love to see what your thoughts are. If you have any takeaways, advice, insights, anything of the sort, I'd love to see what you guys have. And most importantly, I hope you guys can take away a lot from these conversations, especially if you have hearing loss or disabilities, because I want you to know that you are not limited by your condition and that you are more than just that. Thank you so much for watching. Stay inspired, and I'll see you all in the next episode.